Hope
by Butimachrldr2
Summary: An interpretation of the real reason behind Gillian's envoking of the line in Season 1 Episode 11 "undercover" and what followed


I do not own Lie to Me, the characters, dialogue, or events in the episodes.

She heard the light knock on her glass door and looked up as he walked in.

"So what's he gonna do?" She asked him curiously. No residual anger or animosity apparent on her features. When she had confronted Loker about going behind her back she knew that he lied to her face. But instead of acting on her emotions she had waited to discuss it with Cal and make a joint decision on what they would do. Her anger had dissipated after a few days as she was never one to hold onto a grudge. She already had copious experience with what that did to a person.

"Don't know." Cal responded. "Didn't hang around to find out." He looked around, moved the pillow out of a chair, and took a seat with his back to the door. This was significant and a sign to her. No one with his training would turn their back to the door. He was getting comfortable and he wanted her to know it. He wasn't there to discuss Loker; he wanted to talk to her.

Showtime she thought. Might as well hit it head on. "Loker isn't the only one who lied." She started, knowing full well he already knew that.

"Oh yeah." It wasn't really a question.

As she responded, she rose from behind the desk and walked over to sit near him. "That woman ... who came in yesterday... That's Alec's sponsor."

She sat down next to him, leaning forward to address him directly. Meeting his eyes, she continued in her calm voice. "He had a problem with cocaine before we were married. But he's been in recovery since." She licked and then bit her lower lip, looking down and away from him for a moment as she attempted to pull from her inner resolve before continuing.

She knew this conversation had been a long time coming. While her marriage had been slowly falling apart over the past few years she had been able to keep up the facade, but as things had begun to disintegrate more recently she knew Cal would see it and it was only a matter of time before he could no longer act on what he saw. That's just how he was. She was actually surprised he had given her this much space.

"A Couple of months ago, he started," she couldn't hide the anger from her voice with the next words "...using again" but her calm tone returned as she attempted to explain her husband's behavior, "...and he's just trying to stay clean." She looked up into Cal's eyes. Knowing full well he would see through the crap she was hiding behind.

"How's he doing?" He asked gently knowing full well there was far more to the story than Gillian was telling him while letting her know he was happy to listen.

"Some days are good, some ... not so good." Her voice dropped at the end of her response and she couldn't hide the downturn of her lips.

There was so much more she could say. How she knew Alec was having an affair but that it was a relief not to have to touch him. How his absence from their home, their bed, was welcome. How he had blamed her for the return to his addiction, faulting her for her inability to have his child. How he withdrew from her touch and how despite all of this she continued to stay in the downward spiral. The recent arguments had vanished into distance and silence.

"Well if there's anything I can do..." His voice trailed off hoping she would catch his attempt at making her smile by making the same comment he had found fault with earlier. He could see the turmoil she was unable to mask by schooling her features and tried to pull her back from those troubling thoughts with a sincere comment masked by teasing.

It took a brief moment for the humor to register, but then her eyes lit up, just a bit as she realized he was trying to lighten her mood. God she was beautiful when she smiled, he thought to himself, amazed that even in angst she could light up a room.

"You didn't just happen to find Alec's glasses the other night did you." Again not really asking him a question. She rested her face into her hand leaning towards him.

Reading something on his face, she continued, "you thought he was having an affair." A lilt of surprise resonated in the higher pitched tone of her words.

"Nah, I was afraid you were going to get hurt." He reached out to her resting his hand on the bottom of her arm. The gesture meaning so much more than his words.

A fuzzy warmth spread through her chest and for a moment they looked at each other, connecting on a level that was theirs alone.

She shifted her face out of her hand causing her arm to drop and his hand to roll off of her. She couldn't hide the smile hinting at the edge of her lips. She loved this side of Cal, the side very few people got to see. "You were protecting me."

His brow creased, "something like that, yeah."

Her heart skipped. If he hadn't been protecting her then... As the realization of what he was sharing sank in her inner resolve slipped too. "You know..." She tried to look at him, but couldn't; so she looked down and away. She knew her words didn't match her desires. "The line we talk about. You know the line," again a brief glance up at him and away, as she was so afraid he would read her need, and her want, and her absolute ache for him, "we have to draw because we see things people are hiding."

Deep down she knew she was hiding from him. But she was still married, she reminded herself. She hadn't left Alec. For so long she has thought she would have to settle, to lay in the bed she had made, but his touch, his words, his eyes gave her something else. Something she hadn't had in a long time: Hope.

"Things they don't want us to know." She whispered still unable to look up at him. The 'know' in her statement coming out softer and higher pitched, revealing her actual truth, that contrary to what she was saying she did in fact want him to know. She took a breath and finally willed herself to make eye contact.

"I think we should respect the line." Nodding her head like she was trying to convince herself that what she was saying was in fact true. When in reality she was a bundle of feelings. Emotions she had shut down for so long began to resurface and it was dizzying. She barely managed to whisper, "I think it's best for both of us."

She saw him reading her and knew he could see through her words. Unable to stop him from figuring out her truth she looked away and down to hide her face.

She attempted a smile she knew didn't reach her eyes. "Goodnight Cal." She said to end his observation of her. He had delivered his message and it had stuck. It wasn't the time to act on it but if he didn't leave soon what was left of her resolve might crumble.

But she couldn't help but look at him one last time. Her body betraying her by still leaning forward. Her hand resting on her knee wanting so badly to reach out to touch him. She had to hold on to herself to keep still.

Taking one last look into her eyes before responding, the faintest hints of a smile played at the corner of his lips. "Night luv," he said, then propelled himself off the chair and somehow willed himself to walk out of her office. He heard a soft sigh behind him as only his momentum took him out her door.

He made it around the corner before realizing he had stalled, coming to a complete standstill. Had he read her right? If so, she was lying, not to him, but to herself. They both knew she had been trying to convince herself of her own words. He had seen a glint of something on her face when she heard his response after she had asked him if he was trying to protect her. It was fleeting but there... Hope.

He warred with himself wanting to go back to her tell her to sod the line and get to the truth. But the little boy, the one who was so afraid of her leaving him, well he won. Cal straightened up and held his head high. Walking away from his biggest quest for truth like it was nothing when inside he knew it was everything. It was the one truth that kept him awake at night more than even his guilt over his mum. The only truth that frightened him more than becoming like her and leaving his Emily. The truth of he and Gillian.

Gillian listened to his footsteps echoing in the hallway and then heard him pause. Her breath caught in her chest. Would he come back. She gripped the edge of her chair, trembling, unsure what she would do if he came back. Her heart was pounding and she could feel her pulse in places that had been quiet for far too long. The tension was almost too much. Surprising herself she rose and took a step towards the door to call to him.

But then she heard his footsteps begin anew. Grabbing herself around her stomach, she crumpled back into the chair, a soundless sob rising up from her. She began to shake as silent tears poured out of her eyes. The past rapidly caught up to her.

All of Alec's lies and hurtful accusations. Trying over and over to conceive, then having her hopes dashed each and every time. His withdrawal from her. The sickness from the fertility meds. Guilt and self hatred when she realized she'd never have her own child, that she failed at the one thing that was most important to her. Deciding to adopt and convincing him to do so. The joy and relief of being approved for the adoption. The utter bliss of holding her daughter in her arms. The agony of having her ripped out of them after such a short time. Turning to her husband for support and finding no one there. Realizing that he chose drugs over her, another woman over her, that he blamed her for his addictions.

Her worst fear had been realized. She had become her mother. The woman she had felt nothing for but disgust for so much of her young life. Now she was repeating her mother's patterns. After swearing she'd be different, that she would never choose a drunk, that she would have left, she found herself with a drug addict who she stayed with; all because of her guilt at not bearing him a child. Her guilt at not being a good enough therapist, a good enough wife, a good enough woman.

Slipping from the chair onto the floor she balled herself up as the dams she had built burst one by one. The emotions were so hard to feel but she finally allowed herself to do just that, to feel everything. Silent sobs racked her body for what felt like hours.

Eventually she succumbed to the pain. Passing out on the floor of her office.

A few hours later she awoke to the sound of a siren outside. Her body was stiff from the cold floor and the awkward way she had been laying. She slowly sat up and rubbed her puffy eyes. Her cheeks were still damp. Apparently she had still been crying even in her sleep.

Her chest still hurt but it had also been cathartic. She slowly rose, stretching her back, and walking to her window. It was still dark outside. She should go home. "No". She jumped startling herself at the vehemence of her response that she spoke into the darkness. She took a deep breath and let it out slowly trying to calm her frazzled nerves. 'It's no longer my home' she thought. Having resolved that in her mind she decided quickly to go to a hotel.

She kept a bag at work in case of the need to take off for a case. Rolling the bag out of its hiding place, she stopped briefly at the ladies room to clean herself up, before heading out to her car. After checking in at the hotel and making herself comfortable in her room she sank down into the bed realizing that for the first time in a while she could breath.

A few hours later the sunshine woke her. She slowly rose up in the bed and looked around. She felt better than she had in months. Never underestimate a good cry.

A knock on the door reminded her of the breakfast she had ordered last night. She let them in and signed the bill. Sinking back into the pillows she nibbled a piece of bacon and took a drink of the freshly squeezed orange juice. She sighed and realized she felt content. Her thoughts shifted back to the night before. Her mind replayed her conversation with Cal.

"You were protecting me." She had assumed that was what he was doing, like a brother would or how he would as her best friend. But that wasn't what he showed her in his face nor what she heard in his response, "yeah, something like that."

Her heart fluttered again. She wasn't ready to act on it. Not now. Last night had been pretty emotional, but she knew she had things to sort out before... well, before she could even think about what came after.

She took a deep breath and let it out. Her marriage was a sham. First things first she needed to make a decision. Cal's words and then her decision not to go home had kickstarted a fire in her belly. She felt ready to take the next step.

She picked up her phone and dialed automatically. Felt the smile spread across her face as he answered. "Alo Foster. You're calling early. Didja miss me?" The sound of his growl and thickening accent made her stomach feel warm and her smile grew wider.

"Absolutely Cal." She responded laughing. Surprising even herself with how much lighter she felt. "Listen, I have a few things to take care of this morning so I'll be in a little later. Do you think you can keep from alienating the staff for a few hours?"

"You have so little faith in me, Gillian. You really don't think I can make it a few hours withoutcha luv?"

"Well... I guess we do have the fire department on speed dial, and their response time is pretty good ..."

"Oi! That was one time that was."

She could hear the smile in his tone as she giggled at his fake affront.

"Go take care of your business and we'll see you later."

"Thanks Cal." She replied still smiling. Before she could say goodbye though he broke in.

"Oh and Gil," he asked.

"Yes Cal?"

"Good to hear you laugh."

"Thanks Cal. Goodbye."

"Bye luv."

Gillian hung up, took a deep breath, and then dialed her lawyer.


End file.
